Today I’m going to share a personal, somewhat embarrassing, truth.
I thought I was using Gift Economy pricing, and the model of offering things as part of the gift economy, to spread love and enough-ness in the world.
I think for a while, that’s what it was doing.
But then something began to happen; or rather, something was already happening in my business, and I got it all tangled up with the gift economy pricing.
I did not make as much money last year as I expected to make.
What I made is in the four figures, and I am being completely honest with you here because I find that the less money shame I hold onto, the less that shame can cause me to hang onto damaging beliefs or sabotaging business practices.
I wanted gift economy giving and receiving to change the way I behaved around my money, and to change the ways I was able to do my work for others.
But because I slipped right back into fear and scarcity every time another month went by and I was still scraping to get my bills paid, I began to equate “what others can lovingly give me” with “this is how much I deserve to be loved”.
I’m sure you can see how damaging that could be. And it was.
I let it happen, and then I realized it was happening and my pride — and my fear — did not want to do anything about it (because then it would be obvious I’d done something wrong), so instead I kept waiting for it start working.
And, therefore, it did not give me what I wanted.
Because what I really wanted was to be told I was loved.
That I was worthy.
That I was enough.
That my hard work was worth a financial exchange that would enable me to live my life with my basic needs met, and some of my wants and desires as well.
Asking someone else to love you first is not the way to understand your own worth.
It can’t hurt, maybe, but it does cover up the real issue: whether or not you really know, deep down, that money does not equal love.
Do you know this? Do you really truly know this?
I think I do now.